What weight are you carrying?

I was sitting with a group of friends the other night for a late dinner wondering what the heck I was going to eat.  I had already eaten a light meal of sauteed bok choy and brown rice and I wasn't necessarily hungry. I knew that if I ordered a drink, I would be cheating on my diet.  Everyone else was getting a full meal and if I opted out of eating, I would be odd ball out.  This is a problem with me.  Fear of not fitting in.  Go figure, a 5'11' woman wishing she wouldn't stick out.  It's in my very nature and yet sometimes I want so badly to conform!

When I am my most authentic self, I am not caring what other people are thinking and my fear of judgement is diminished by how I use my integrity and the good choices I make.  Some people don't understand what it is like to struggle with insecurity (and I doff my hat to you) but I know first hand what it feels like to be frozen in place not knowing if the next word that comes out of my mouth is going to be the dumbest thing I have ever said.  I know the realities and practicalities of self-doubt and self consciousness but does that stop me?... In my teens, I read and reread The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. It helped me through some of my worst moments and I still remind myself of it's wisdom.

As I become healthier, my soul and being is built up and through my pursuit to be a stronger person, I am able to overcome a lot of my battles.  The trick is to go through it.  In my experience, trying to find a short cut or attempting to move around the problem instead of wrestle with it head on only prolongs it's existence.  I believe certain things are given to you to work through so you can come out the other end a better person. If you put it aside, and repress what it's front of you there will be a continual build up and those same issues will revolve around and around you.  The hope is that once you actively start weeding through the issues and circumstances facing them head on, most will take care of themselves and fall away over time.

So when I ask, "what weight are you carrying" I don't want to know how many pounds too many you are.  I want to know what those things are in your life that you feel you can't battle.  More specifically, what relationships are not feeding you positively?, do you despise your job and feel creatively stuck?, What hurt do you carry around that you would like to unload, but can't see how to do it? That's the weight that I am talking about.

So, here is my coaching session with myself, my amazing health coach, who is helping me lose my weight.

Myself: I care so much what people think about me that I carry their opinions around with me and give up my voice.  In my most extreme moments I will let other dictate my actions as not to upset the energy around me.
Health Coach: So what weight are you holding on to?
Myself: Those people in my life who don't let me live authentically.  Mostly it's myself and my fear.  Others are just my mirror to my insecurities.  I hold back as a preventative measure.  But I am only coddling my fear.
Health Coach:  So what are you going to do about it?
Myself: I am going to follow my intuition and do things because they are authentically right for me.  I will set aside my fear of judgment and focus on loving myself and building myself up in order to be the giving, compassionate, fun, and intelligent person that I am.
Health Coach:  Do you believe you are all those things?
Myself: Yes and more!!!
Health Coach: Find the freedom of fitting out!
Myself: Ah, you are so wise...

By the way, at that dinner I was talking about, I chose to sip a club soda with a splash of cran and extra lime.  I got a few searing looks from the waiter, but other than that my friends thought nothing of it, and I had a lovely time. ;)